Waiting to be Die -What daily life is like waiting to be murdered – I hate it
I have been thinking about writing this blog for the last week,and always came up with the reason not to as who would want to know.But I finally decided today that the world needs to know what it is like to every single day wake up and wonder if today is your last on earth ,if today is the day that I become just another murder statistic or if today is the day that is my last ever with my sons who I will not see grow up,tell them I love them or to hold them in my arms.
Life as a victim of abuse whether it has been as a child growing up and you were the victim of your abuser,or as a child living in an abusive home watching your mom or dad been beaten and abused this is all abuse and destroys a childs life and takes away there innocence which can never be replaced.Many grow in to adults without ever telling there secret and ending up in continuous abusive situations.My abuse was from my x husband who for over 20 yrs used me as his punch bag,mentally,emotionally,verbally horrifically abusive to me.Most of this in front of my four sons and some of the sexual abuse he imitated in front of them the shame of this I still feel.Sex to him was rape and you as a victim learn to just let him/her do what they want it is easier for all.
Why did I stay well I was totally isolated no friends or family,no income,no self esteem and no will to live.Yes I will admit I wanted to die many times and I did try to overdose and once to throw myself over the stairs but I could not leave my kids even though the thought of not having to wake up to another day of his abuse was so close,I knew if I died my boys would too,as I was all the had and they were all I had.Many that knew us knew of his abuse,of his alcoholism of his friends that I dare not cross and his temper,hence why I stayed his victim for so many years.How I am alive I do not know as he tried to kill me so many times if my one son now 18 had not protected me and taken the hits and hit back I would be dead already.
Finally after the last Rape and him then keeping one of my sons who went on a holiday to see him when he moved abroad I swore he would never touch me again.Yet three years later the threat to my life is as real and dangerous as it was when he was here in person.You see due to the lack of laws and concern my two sons with me and I have no protection from him we wait to be found.We live in a house that is a total dump with no heating and very basic but we do this so as to hope it will be one of the last places he will look to find us,but I know he is aware of the area we are in as he lets me know every now and then.Despite enough evidence to lock him away for life nobody cares I wait to be found and killed,and as much as I do not want to die I do not want to leave my kids they are my life and the reason as to why I survived so long and the reason as to why I want to help as many victims of abuse as I can,as they had nobody to help them and now we will use that to help others and make there voices heard.
Last year we went on holidays to the USA and as we are Irish we had a waiver so no need for a visa.But my eldest son told his dad where we were located,the risk to us was so great that there are at least two if not more reports filed with police with the real threat against my life,yet as we had not got the money to go home and we were in such danger I pawned the only thing that I had belonging to my late mom her engagement ring and we went on the run.The US Marshalls told me to cut my hair and to change our appearance we did all that they said and yet we were found thousands of miles away again,but we did escape back to Ireland,sadly where our life went back to been alone and to been in fear
Fear is one of the worst feelings in the world as it takes over your entire life,a typical day for myself and the two boys is that my youngest 12 yrs old who is at constant risk of kidnapping from his dad and again has no protection,goes to school everyday wondering if he will see us after school,if he will have to fight not to go with his dad or if his dad will have found me.At 12 yrs old that to me is torture and child abuse yet nobody cares.I bring him to his school and go home all with the car locked and watching what car is behind me in case I am followed,then it is normal household duties cleaning and ensuring that all the doors are locked,the windows are never opened and the curtains are always closed tight.My son 18 sleeps during the day when I am in the house not out of laziness no simply so that he can sit up at night every night to ensure we can sleep and that we are safe,this is no life for anybody and certainly not a 18 yr old .If I have to go to the store I have to have him with me he is our bodyguard 24 hrs a day 7 days a week.
Friends and Family here we do not have it is far too dangerous as Ireland is too small a country and very easy to find somebody.Our police are not even armed,it is illegal to carry a gun or to have one,it is illegal to carry a knife or to have one with you,it is illegal to carry pepper spray.So as for protection it is non existent.Birthday parties can not happen,christmas it is just the three of us as we have no choice but to continue to live the lives of victims as we are simply not important enough for anybody to care that can do something
Dont get me wrong I am a hard worker I work to help victims of abuse especially within the USA as much as is physically possible and will always do that,it is comical if not so serious that I can help to protect others yet not myself.I have big plans with some friends in the USA on what we can do for victims of abuse there but again nobody cares.I want to work to integrate and to help be the voices for children of abuse that have no voices what is so wrong with that.I do not want something for nothing that is not who I am,and although I may not have much materialistically I have my self respect and dignity back and that makes me a very rich person.On top of that the friends that are now more family to my sons and I in the USA are all there for us,if anything happens to me my sons are alone they have nobody and nothing,that is why I have to fight to stay alive to make our plight heard and to pray that somebody will believe in us
I have spent over half my life been abused,and now I am spending the next half waiting to be murdered,He will not care if he is arrested as life here is not life as in a jail in other countries it is a holiday camp for inmates and then after his time served he is free ,I am dead and he got what he wants.I am so sick and tired of been scared I know what he is capable of and as much as he wanted me dead before the fact that I went public and spoke out has now embarrassed him so much that he is more determined then ever to have me murdered.
You all have your own problems in life and some I am sure a lot worse than mine,but please think of those around you that live in constant fear,unable to eat properly,to sleep,to laugh or to simply live there life as those are the simple things that I dream of .I do not care if I have no money as money does not buy you happiness ,been able to live without fear is taken for granted by so many worldwide and yet those of us that would do anything for even one day of a life that had no fear in it are forgotten about.Nobody knows what is around the corner for you in life so be grateful for what you have as there are those of us that want nothing more in life then to eat,sleep,laugh and to love why is that so wrong ? The crazy thing is that in roughly 6 hrs flight time from where we are now my sons and I would be free from this suffering they could be kids again and they could have the opportunities in life that they lost as younger children been forced to live a life of abuse.Yet as I have been told I am not the standard of person wanted in that country and if I can not understand this then how can I explain it to my children.
Hindsight is no use with Child Abuse,Domestic Violence or death,help is needed now as I simply do not want to die.Why is wanting to live without abuse and to watch my kids grow up and to love and cherish them something that I may loose solely as I was born in the wrong country and am victim of my abuser.If anybody has any answers please let me know and for those that do not think we are worthy enough to be helped to stay alive remember this blog when he finds me