Living with FEAR 24/7 a constant torture that nobody should have to endure-Yet we do everyday
As many of you know I posted a blog recently about my life and the fact that I live everyday in anticipation of it possibly been my last alive.I fought for over 23 yrs to be a survivor of my ex and his abuse and how I am alive today I will never know, but I do know that a huge reason that I am is solely due to my son Rambo and his effort to keep me alive.Yet FEAR is my life ,if you are in a bad situation in life you fear the outcome,if you are seriously ill you fear the outcome,and if you live a life of abuse you fear the day when he/she will finally kill you in the physical.As every-time the abuse you they kill a small part of who you are inside until the time comes when you can not remember yourself who you once where in life.
Fear of the unknown in life is so hard to deal with,you can never make plans ,never be relaxed ,never be truly who you are inside as you can not let that guard down and the simple things in life that many take for granted are only a dream for you.How do I know this well it is simple this is my life and that of my two sons.Despite been away from our abuser we are been forced to still remain his victims as most victims of abuse are aware of in life we really do not matter to many and in death we are used as a political stance for the gain of others.
Why does the life of victims that are alive that want to escape and who want to use there life of abuse and trauma to help others to become survivors literally have there pain and suffering not even recognized by anybody that can help them.Surely we are all entitled to the basic Human Right of a life without fear or abuse or death at the hand of another,but for those of us who are not famous or wealthy enough to matter we are simply statistics.Many times I wanted to die as it was easier than having to wake to another day of violence,verbal abuse or rape as we can all only take so much in life yet no matter what I do or how hard I work we are still been forced to live this life.But I could not leave my sons they were and are my life and if my ex does kill me or should I say when then the boys are alone to fight this battle,and this is one battle that I intend to have won before I am murdered so that at least they will not continue to live a life of secrecy and fear and reclusive .
Stress causes so many physical illness in life and how I have not had a cardiac arrest I do not know,but I do know that I am here for a reason and that all the abuse and trauma that we have suffered has made me who we are today and has made us realize that we want to help others to be free from the prison of there abuser even when they are away from them in the physical,they can still control your life and control whether you simply exist in life or live .
So many normal people that are victims and want to be survivors or have been victims and are now survivors or Advocates have tried to help us but nobody in power is listening it is as if we are really just three more statistics and when the time comes and he does kill me then they will use my life as lessons to be learnt so as not to let it happen in the future.,But I DO NOT WANT TO DIE it is as simple as that and irrespective of what good they do after my death it can not bring me back to life and it can not give my sons back there mom .
Why is it so hard for anybody within the powers that be to realize that sometimes they can actually help to stop a death before it happens and that there actions to help others will speak a lot more than the words that they have written for them in order to make themselves look or sound like they care.The reality of life of a victim is that unless you are lucky to live in a country that has laws to protect you and friends to support you then you are left to suffer in silence as what goes on behind closed doors far too many want to leave there.Abuse happens to all in all walks of life I never expected to live a life of abuse to be beaten,verbally mentally emotionally abused,to be raped more times then I can remember,to bury my only daughter because of my ex as due to the abuse from him she was still born at just over 5 months.Next week is her birthday,a day that I will never forget as after I delivered her he left me to spend the night with his girlfriend and I organized her funeral myself.My two sons I do not want to have to continue living a life of Child Abuse or to have to bury me why does nobody care what my life is worth.
If living a life of abuse and rape plus lots lots more is not enough to offer us help to simply stay alive then what is as right now I really wonder what is the point of trying to survive when the ultimate is going to happen .I am starting to get physically ill from the stress of waiting to be found and killed and although I will never give up mentally fighting to stay alive I can not stop the stress as long as the fear is there.The media cares when we are dead as that sells news but those wanting to stay alive simply are not worth reporting on
Thank you to all that are continuing to support us and our fight to stay alive,we wont ever give up so please do not give up on us either